Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Caution: Depression ahead

I seem to be stuck. There is much to do around here for the move. Lots of sorting and packing. But where has all my energy gone? (All I want to do is sleep.) It is being sucked down into the black hole called depression. I thought that this time between jobs would be great. Plenty of time to stitch and be able to slowly go through the house preparing for the move. The reality is that with the car still needing work I feel stranded. Then I start thinking of all the rooms that I need to start sorting and I start feeling overwhelmed. So I sit in my chair and think about the many projects I could be stitching and can't decide which one to work on. So I continue to sit and stare at the TV and pick up my yarn and a hook or I pick up the computer and look at the blogs of the wonderful community I belong to and before I know it a couple of hours have passed. Then I start beating myself up over wasting time when I should have been packing. So I continue to sit because now I have feel worn out. I lean back to watch one of the court shows (which seems to be the only thing on during the early afternoons) where people put their personal business on TV and I think about the kind of people who want their 15 minutes of fame so bad that they are willing to put the most embarrassing stuff out there for public consumption. I must have fallen asleep because before I know it the door is opening allowing my DD into the house after school. Where has the day gone? That's right, another day down the dark hole.

Today is a new day. Now that I am aware that the dark hole is there I can refrain from dropping any deeper into into it. I will start by working in my craft room which has become a resting place for anything and everything that is brought into the house. I will not plan on getting the whole room done today because that will be too overwhelming. So I will go for a few boxes. Get the things in those few boxes sorted and have a small accomplishment. During my thirty something years I have had to learn how to pull myself out of the hole a little bit at a time. I have learned the hard way that you can not escape a depressive episode in a day. It usually takes around a week to get back to feeling normal.

I was able to get a start on pulling myself up by putting the girls (the guinea pigs) in a new cage yesterday. I got so tired of cleaning their box of cat messes every day. I hate putting them in a cage but I think we will all be healthier and happier with their bedding cat mess free. Also, the girls will stop being so scared of anyone walking by.

Well enough delaying, I am off to pull a box or two from the craft room.

TaTa for now,


Faith... said...

Praying you had a better day today Angela!

Just remember everything is one step, one day at a time...Just take it slowly and I think you can do it.

Woman Seeking Center said...

Considering all that you've been thru recently with work, truck accident etc it's not at all difficult to see where depression would be unavoidable. Combine that with this time of year (less daylight always makes depression harder to shake I think) and it's a steep hill to climb. Factor in packing for a move and all that's associated with that (which throws most women into an overwhelming stress and anxiety and depression all on its own speaking from my experience) and I'd say it's impressive you're holding up as well as you are sweetie.....

And if depression is something that has always come and gone for you, then with all the additional problems on your plate I'd say you are heroic for still standing and functioning.

I think your plan to do a reasonable bit each day so as not to be overwhelmed (being sure to do something small every day so as not to add to the feeling of things growing to an impossible backlog) is smart and possible. When you feel down it's more about making SOME way than HOW MUCH way you make :-)

Eventually the problems will slow. The move will be done, new job will be found, car/truck issues will be sorted/settled. If only that truth made NOW easier - but head and heart are so different and what the mind understands doesn't necessarily comfort the heart, I know... But life finds a way, and you have the love of your beautiful daughter to encourage you thru all this.

If you need an cyber-ear to listen - just email me.